I could appreciate
the right of the bravest, and I genuinely despised those who, with death
in their power, yet chose life at the price of such ignominy as they
had to bear at Roche-Mauprat. But I could only explain these insults and
horrors heaped on prisoners, some of them women and mere children,
as manifestations of bloodthirsty appetites. I do not know if I was
sufficiently susceptible of a noble sentiment to be inspired with pity
for the victim; but certain it is that I experienced that feeling
of selfish commiseration which is common to all natures, and which,
purified and ennobled, has become charity among civilized peoples. Under
my coarse exterior my heart no doubt merely felt passing shocks of fear
and disgust at the sight of punishments which I myself might have to
endure any day at the caprice of my oppressors; especially as John,
when he saw me turn pale at these frightful spectacles, had a habit of
saying, in a mocking tone:
"That's what I'll do to you when you are disobedient."
All I know is that in presence of such iniquitous acts I experienced a
horrible uneasiness; my blood curdled in my veins, my throat began
to close, and I had to rush away, so as not to repeat the cries which
pierced my ears. In time, however, I became somewhat hardened to these
terrible impressions. The fibres of feeling grew tougher, and habit gave
me power to hide what they termed my cowardice.
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