I succeeded
in controlling my impulses up to a certain point. I could never subdue
my pride and violent temper. A man cannot change the essence of his
nature, but he can guide his divers faculties towards a right path; he
can almost succeed in turning his faults to account--and this, indeed,
is the great secret and the great problem of education.
The conversations with my friend Arthur led me into such a train of
thought that from my recollections of Edmee's conduct I came to deduce
logically the motives which must have inspired it. I found her noble
and generous, especially in those matters which, owing to my distorted
vision and false judgment, had caused me most pain. I did not love her
the more for this--that would have been impossible--but I succeeded in
understanding why I loved her with an unconquerable love in spite of
all she had made me suffer. This sacred fire burned in my soul
without growing dim for one instant during the whole six years of our
separation. In spite of the rich vitality which pulsed through my veins;
in spite of the promptings of an external nature full of voluptuousness;
in spite of the bad examples and numerous opportunities which tempted
mortal weakness in the freedom of a roving, military life, I call God
to witness that I preserved my robe of innocence undefiled, and that I
never felt the kiss of a woman. Arthur, whose calmer organization was
less susceptible to temptation, and who, moreover, was almost entirely
engrossed in intellectual labour, did not always practise the same
austerity; nay, he frequently advised me not to run the risk of an
exceptional life, contrary to the demands of Nature.
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